Hi, everyone! Here's the deal. This new book I'm writing has been giving me several problems and even though I'm only in the second draft (after not even finishing the first due to the pacing problems), this first chapter is still kinda bugging me. A trusted friend has read it and says there is something off about it. Please, help me out and tell me what you think of it. I would appreciate all kinds of feedback, the good, bad and constructive. :)
Chapter 1
My mom moved me and my brother to
Hell a week ago. Now, mom was bringing us home after registering us at the
Shadow Creek School – not high school, just school.
Two long buildings with chipping white paint and maroon roofs made up the school, one for the lower campus (grades K-7) and one for the upper campus
(grades 8-12). It was so small, it was ridiculous. Back in Chicago, my high
school had three buildings on a sprawling campus that took up several city
blocks. I felt like I would suffocate.
My anger built as mom drove the
six blocks across town to our new home. There was a general store, which
carried everything except food, a grocery store, a tavern-slash-inn on the
corner, and two diners. Nothing had a brand name like Walmart or McDonald’s;
no, they were all named things like Bubba’s Pancake Emporium and Ray’s General
Store. I felt like I had gone back in time a hundred years.
We finally arrived at our cute little
shack and I jumped out without a word to my mother. Glaring at everything in
sight, I followed her inside, stripped off my black hoodie, shoved my feet into
running shoes and finally looked up at her.
“I can’t believe you did this to
me,” I growled at her and slammed out of the house. I vaguely heard Bryce call
after me but that only made me pump my legs faster. I had to get away from
there. I needed to get back to Chicago, surround myself in the familiar sounds
and smog. All this greenery and fresh air was going to kill me.
I ran track for two years at my
old high school and my legs seemed to remember what to do. My breathing slowed
as my legs fell into a comfortable rhythm, my shoes slapping against the only
asphalt paved road in town. Trees surrounded me on both sides of the two-lane
highway. My mind continued to race. My BFF’s face flashed in front of my eyes,
then my old boyfriend’s, and I stumbled, flailing forward and just barely
catching myself before falling flat on my face. I missed Brittany and Brad so
much my chest ached and I couldn’t breathe; I hadn't talked to either of them
since before moving here almost a week ago. Why did mom do this to me? Why did
we have to move to this little God forsaken town at the edge of nowhere,
hundreds of miles away from my friends?
I stopped running and doubled
over, my hands on my knees as I tried to breathe through the onslaught of
emotions and tears. School started in three days, my senior year. Instead of
taking a limo and going to Fogo de Chao for Prom, I’d probably end up in a
horse drawn buggy and be taken to Bubba’s. I shuddered and crumpled to the hot
street, unable to hold in my misery any longer. My body shook as sobs consumed
me. My life was over.
I’m not sure how long I sat on the
side of the road bawling my eyes out. All I know is when the tears finally
stopped, my face was blotchy, my eyes were swollen and my head was pounding.
Cursing my mom for the headache she’d now given me, I picked myself up and
continued down the road out of town, starting at a jog and finally going up to
a full blown sprint. But as fast as I ran, I knew I couldn’t escape my new
excuse for a life. I clenched my fists and pumped my arms harder, willing my
legs to go faster. I felt like I was going to burst with the need to escape.
Out of nowhere, a guy appeared
next to me. Dressed similarly to me in a pair of red running shorts and a white
t-shirt stretched just right across his broad shoulders, he fell into step with
me. I glanced at him, noticing how his golden hair gleams in the sunlight, but
he didn’t look at me; his eyes stayed focused on whatever’s ahead of us.
Irritated that my pity party was being crashed (no matter how hot this guy
was), I sighed and sped up. He stayed in step with me. I glared at him and
tried again. He was still there. A growl of frustration escaped my throat and
he finally looked at me. I was momentarily sidetracked by his brilliantly blue
eyes and stumbled once again. His hand snaked out and his arm wrapped around my
waist to catch me before I fell. Blood rushed up my neck to my cheeks. Taken
down by a pair of blue eyes. I would have giggled if I wasn’t so mortified. He
chuckled as we stopped and he lets me go.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I
nodded, irritated because I really want him to hold me again.
“I’m fine,” I replied, a little
harsher than I meant to be. I winced but he didn’t seem affected by my tone.
“So, what are you running from?”
he continued. I reached up, wrapping my long dark hair into a rope, and wrapped
it around my hand to keep it off my neck. I lifted my chin and looked into his
eyes, watching them wander down my body before they came back to mine. He
didn’t even seem embarrassed to be caught checking me out.
“Who says I’m running from
anything? Maybe I just like to run,” I replied with a smirk.
“If you like to run, I’m sure I
would have seen you around before now.”
“How could you? I just got here.”
My mood soured and I stared off into the trees, scowling at all their green
leaves and brown bark. I shuddered, desperately missing the steel buildings and
packed streets of my hometown.
“Where did you come from?”
His question snapped my attention
back to him. I sighed, embarrassed that I had to blink more tears out of my
eyes. Why did I have to cry in front of this hot guy? He was going to think I
was absolutely mental.
“Chicago,” I told him, my voice
catching on the word.
“No wonder you’re so miserable;
this must be like your own personal hell compared to the city.”
“Have you ever been?”
“Kinda. My parents took my friends
and me to Six Flags Great America one weekend last summer.” He rubbed the back
of his neck like he was embarrassed by this. I laughed out loud, thinking he
was adorable. He ran a hand through his gorgeous hair, dimples appearing in his
cheeks when he suddenly smiled. My knees weakened.
“Going to Great America is nothing
like going into the city,” I finally told him, my words breathy from all the
fog suddenly clouding my mind.
“It’s the closest I’ve ever been;
it’s not like I go north much.” His smile faltered and I wondered if he was
irritated he has to admit that. I would have been. I nodded to let him know I
understood.
“Someday I’ll take you to the city
and show you all my favorite places to go,” I promised him, laying a hand on
his sun-bronzed forearm. His warm skin made my fingers tingle and I sighed,
this time content.
A twig snapped and a low growl
emitted from the trees nearby. I instinctively moved closer to the guy—and
realized I didn’t even know what to call him. A golden god? My thoughts were
interrupted by another low growl and I gasped, my eyes widening as a small grey
wolf stalked out of the trees to our right. It stopped not even ten feet away
from us, lowered down on its haunches, its lips curled back as it snarled as us.
The guy pushed me behind him and I clung to the back of his shirt, balling the
soft fabric in my fists.
His back muscles rippled beneath
my fists as he turned his head, keeping one eye on the wolf as he said out of
the side of his mouth, “Whatever happens, don’t make any sudden movements or
she’ll attack you.”
I nodded, wondering how he knew
the wolf looking to make lunch out of us was female. Maybe because she was
smaller, I decided as I gulped. The guy, now known as my hero, turned his
attention back to the slowly approaching wolf. I peeked around him and dug my
nails into his back, cowering behind him. His back rippled again and heat
blasted me from his skin. I leaned into him, oddly comforted by his hot body.
“Go away; leave us alone,” he
yelled at the wolf. I gasped, holding my breath as I waited for the wolf to
pounce on us. The rippling of his body picked up tempo until it was like he
vibrated under my touch, sending the heat and vibration into my body until I
shook with him. His hands fisted at his sides. My lungs burned, begging for
air, but I couldn’t release the breathe I held until the wolf was gone.
“I said go!” he bellowed. The wolf
whimpered and scampered away. I wanted to do the same, my body forced into
flight mode by his command. The air whooshed out of my lungs and I felt dizzy
as he spun around to catch me, crushing my body against his.
“Are you all right?” he asked, his
voice sounding more like a growl. His hand gently held my head against his
massive chest. His heart beat steadily in my ear. I managed to move my head
enough to look up at him and blinked up at his furrowed brow and curled back
upper lip – he looked ready to take on a whole pack of wolves. He saw me glance
up at him and immediately forced his features to relax, bring back his dimpled
grin. I relaxed with him.
“Are you okay?” he asked again,
his voice much gentler this time. I nodded and he stepped back, keeping his
hands on my shoulders in case I wasn’t quite steady yet. I wasn’t. I swayed
towards him and then shivered, cold without his warmth.
“You’re cold,” he declared,
concern etched into his features. “Are you dizzy? Do you feel nauseous?”
I blinked up at him again before
realizing he was waiting for a response. I said the only thing that came to
mind. “You’re just so hot.”
He chuckled and I realized what
I’d said. My cheeks burned, a new level of mortification setting in. I opened
my mouth to explain only to snap it shut again; anything I said would only make
this worse.
“It’s okay; I think you’re pretty hot,
too,” he teased me, grinning at me with his adorable dimples. A smile tugged at
my mouth as laughter bubbled up within me. Soon, both of us were laughing over
the stupidity of our conversation. My laughter died when he draped an arm over
my shoulders and turned me around, walking down the street the way I’d come. He
was walking me home.
I melted a little at the sentiment
and then the reality of what just happened crashed over me. We’d barely taken
five steps when I stopped and looked up at him.
“How did you do that?” My voice
shook with fear. He pursed his lips and let out a breath through his nose,
flaring his nostrils. I suddenly wondered if he was going to snarl at me or
yell like he had at the wolf. He sighed and some of my fear ebbed away.
“The trick to dealing with any
kind of wild animal is that you have to show it who’s boss,” he declared and
continued walking.
I mulled over that for a moment,
biting the inside of my cheek as I replayed the scene with the wolf in my mind.
Then I thought about everything I knew about wolves. They were pack animals,
including when they hunted. They weren’t known for attacking humans unless they
were hurt – and from what I could see, that bitch hadn't been hurt. But maybe
her pups were nearby, I argued with myself and moved on. Wolves asserted
dominance by fighting or wrestling and biting down on the other’s beck, making
the lesser dominant wolf bow down. I pictured the guy biting that she-wolf’s
scruff and making her submit. I shook my head; the wolf would have torn him to
shreds. He’d done the only thing left to protect us.
“Well, thank you,” I told him with
a smile. He returned my smile, visibly relaxing. I would my arm through his and
we continued to my house.
“Do you go to Shadow Creek
School?” I ventured nervously. We’d walked a while in companionable silence,
something I’d never shared with a guy before. I always felt the need to fill
the silence.
“Yeah, I’ll be a senior. What
about you?”
“The same.” Yes! I wanted to jump
up and down but thought that might make a bad impression. I bit back a smile
and forced myself not to giggle.
“Now that we’ve established we’re
both in school and you’ve saved my life, who are you?” I asked as we neared my
house. He chuckled.
“Caleb Hunter. And you’re Jessica
Teal,” he told me. My mouth dropped open and he had the decency to look
embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck again. “It’s a very small town so new
folks coming in are top news. Everyone knows who you and your brother are; it’s
Bryce, right?”
I nodded, unable to form a
coherent thought. I couldn’t believe he already knew who I was, or that the
town was talking about us. I remembered my mouth still hung open and snapped it
shut, now embarrassed I’d been gaping at him like a fish out of water. Again, I
wondered what had possessed my mom to move us here. Nothing would be private if
everyone was already in our business.
Caleb saw my discomfort and put
his hand on my shoulder, drawing my attention back to him. My eyes met his and
I immediately calmed down again, warm tingles spreading from my shoulder
through my entire body. His brow furrowed and a frown turned down his smile as
he removed his hand. I wondered what I’d done wrong. I swallowed hard and
looked away.
“I guess I’d better go,” I said.
He nodded, still watching me warily.
“Yeah, I’ll see you Monday at
school,” he replied and turned to walk away. I sighed, my shoulders slumped as
I continued up to my front door. When I turned back, he was already gone.
“Who was that?” my mom asked as I
walked inside. Of course she’d been watching from the window! Because now that
we were here, nothing was private.
“Nobody,” I snapped at her and
headed back to my new bedroom. I needed to finish unpacking—and try to figure
out what just happened with Caleb so I wouldn’t do it again when we saw each
other at school.
